Kwak begins to suspect Sarah Palin is staying at his resort (image - BEDARD)THE Worry Collective -1
Q: I’m worried about personal safety in the far South. I’m attending a hot-tub seminar in Sungai Kolok next month, but I hear those separatist ratbags have been blowing things up down there. ObL - Waziristan Mountains
TWC: No problems Sammy. If you go to Lek’s pancake stand on Soi 2 off KSR he can provide you with a certified bomb-sniffer dog for only 3000 baht. For an extra 500 he’ll throw in a Seeing Eye Trained certificate which means you will be able to unload Fido end of trip for no-loss at the exit of Ban Saladan Medical School’s corneal-transplant training unit.
Q: I’m worried about personal safety in the far South. I’m attending a hot-tub seminar in Sungai Kolok next month, but I hear those separatist ratbags have been blowing things up down there. ObL - Waziristan Mountains
TWC: No problems Sammy. If you go to Lek’s pancake stand on Soi 2 off KSR he can provide you with a certified bomb-sniffer dog for only 3000 baht. For an extra 500 he’ll throw in a Seeing Eye Trained certificate which means you will be able to unload Fido end of trip for no-loss at the exit of Ban Saladan Medical School’s corneal-transplant training unit.
Sammy stepping out to the hot-tub seminar - image www.bestweekever/tv/Q: Everyone knows Thai girls look 10 years younger than their age. Do you think it’s wrong for me to pretend my 24 year old professional travelling companion is 14? Jeremy I - LA
TWC: I prefer to pass these dodgy questions on to TWC’s ethics consultant, Woodrow Allen. However all the calls to his mobile were picked up by his girlfriend Lolita, who whispered she‘d pass the message on when she got a chance. The fact she was doing detention at the time at her junior high for cutting classes reminds me - Woody’s advice on this issue may not be too reliable.
The Worry Collective - 2
Q: You have said your favourite travel advice is Yogi Berra’s: “When you come to the fork in the road, take it”.
I don‘t get it! Which branch? - Steve Hawkin
TWC: The right one.
Q: I’m worried about the direction of the US dollar. It’s already tanked 15% against the baht this year. I’m uncertain of its future direction. Do you think there is more downside? bernanke@fedres.com
TWC: Listen Ben, I tried to reach TWC’s finance analyst Fastcash Keynes, but his bail bondsman said he’s currently in discussions with Securities Commission spooks about some unauthorised shorting of CSOs. Whatever the hell that is.
Now I’m not real strong in this area on account I spent all of my time in Economics 101 day-dreaming about the hot biker-girl in the front row. But let’s look at the basics - you got boffo Junior running humongous budget surpluses, a whole lot of Wall Street fast-boys packaging junk mortgages and selling them to airhead bankers who should know better, Mr and Mrs America importing oil, Euro cars and Chinese electrical goods faster than they can pay for them, and panicked capital-flight from panicky low interest rates.
Jeez, on those fundamentals I’d say your guess is as good as mine.
The Worry Collective - 3
Q: I’m on the eve of my departure for Bangkok and I just found out the airports are closed, I haven’t got any decent underwear and my dog is pregnant. Is that a bastard or what? - BRITNEY
The Worry Collective - 3
Q: I’m on the eve of my departure for Bangkok and I just found out the airports are closed, I haven’t got any decent underwear and my dog is pregnant. Is that a bastard or what? - BRITNEY
Seldom-sighted Britney underwear - not her best asset, but (occasionally) next to her best asset - (image - www.lingeriewomens.blogspot.com)TWC: Jeez Britzer, you think you have problems? This morning at the beach I snaked the local wave nazi and got two teeth broken and my board smashed. The highway patrol pulled me over after I chucked a huge wheelie leaving the car park and handed me a $300 citation and 14 defects fer the TWC surfing wagon. I was so pissed I got her up to 130 on the freeway and the board- racks blew off - my other 3 boards went under a passing Peterbuilt. And when I arrived outside my gorgeous girlfriend’s place this handsome dude was giving her a smooch on the cheek before he slid into his M5 Beemer and blasted off.
“Crikey,” I said. “I didn’t know you had a rich cousin”.
“Bruce,” replied Sheila. “There’s something I’ve got to tell you.”
Q: I hear Thai cosmetic surgery is pretty high end. But my friends keep telling me stories of people who have gone in for a chin-lift and wake up missing a kidney. What’s your take? - Pamela@videoof the millenium.org
TWC: I reckon the days of medical scams are well gone. But communications blips sometimes arise. Like Robby from my rugby team went to Phuket to get the derringer howitzerised and came back as Robina.OOPS! And waaay hot too! I gotta tell you no-one misses the post-match shower session these days.
The Worry Collective - 4
Q: I’m doing a trip to the Krabi Wetland Enviro Bungalows with my friend Bono, who is great value except for one thing. He refuses to recycle his Singha cans - prefers to throw them at passing dreadlocked hippies when he isn’t using them for ashtrays. Should I tell him how uncomfortable I am with this? - Al G Jr
Alcan Al knows where the money is - recycling drives (image - The Shiffer Report)
TWC: It can be an inconvenient truth for perfectionists Al, but sometimes the bonds of friendship mean you just have to let some shortcomings go. Travelling with others is always a bit of give and take. I mean he might be pissed about all those lights you burn in the bungalow and how you don‘t do your fair share of pedalling on the bicycle generator. But one thing you should firmly point out - no firing up a joint around the composting toilets. The last guy did that set off a methane explosion blew half the bungalows to Ranong and burned out all 1000 hectares of the last remaining habitat of the endangered South-Andaman Blue-tongued Toad.
Whoa! Don't fire up a smoke near Daisy either. Firmly braced forelegs preclude a ballistic bovine (imgage - The Schiffer Report)
Q: Need quick answer! How long can those infidel missile-armed pilotless drones stay on station? I’ve been drinking beer with my buddies in Cave 1 and the girly movies start across at Cave 2 in 20 minutes. ObL - Khao Sam Roi Yod caves South Thailand
TWC: No worries Sammy. Just don one of those Condi Rice masks you guys use for target practice. The dudes manning the drone’s monitor will think they’ve stumbled on an outdoor location for the Thai Ugly Betty and beat it for Ko Lipe where they can spec-out all those Scando bikini-babes.
Q: Scando bikini babes!!! Does Lipe have caves? - ObL
TWC: Relax Sammy, TWC's babe-consultant Levi Johnston says Scando babes aren't your style.
“Crikey,” I said. “I didn’t know you had a rich cousin”.
“Bruce,” replied Sheila. “There’s something I’ve got to tell you.”
Q: I hear Thai cosmetic surgery is pretty high end. But my friends keep telling me stories of people who have gone in for a chin-lift and wake up missing a kidney. What’s your take? - Pamela@videoof the millenium.org
TWC: I reckon the days of medical scams are well gone. But communications blips sometimes arise. Like Robby from my rugby team went to Phuket to get the derringer howitzerised and came back as Robina.OOPS! And waaay hot too! I gotta tell you no-one misses the post-match shower session these days.
The Worry Collective - 4
Q: I’m doing a trip to the Krabi Wetland Enviro Bungalows with my friend Bono, who is great value except for one thing. He refuses to recycle his Singha cans - prefers to throw them at passing dreadlocked hippies when he isn’t using them for ashtrays. Should I tell him how uncomfortable I am with this? - Al G Jr
Alcan Al knows where the money is - recycling drives (image - The Shiffer Report)TWC: It can be an inconvenient truth for perfectionists Al, but sometimes the bonds of friendship mean you just have to let some shortcomings go. Travelling with others is always a bit of give and take. I mean he might be pissed about all those lights you burn in the bungalow and how you don‘t do your fair share of pedalling on the bicycle generator. But one thing you should firmly point out - no firing up a joint around the composting toilets. The last guy did that set off a methane explosion blew half the bungalows to Ranong and burned out all 1000 hectares of the last remaining habitat of the endangered South-Andaman Blue-tongued Toad.
Whoa! Don't fire up a smoke near Daisy either. Firmly braced forelegs preclude a ballistic bovine (imgage - The Schiffer Report)Q: Need quick answer! How long can those infidel missile-armed pilotless drones stay on station? I’ve been drinking beer with my buddies in Cave 1 and the girly movies start across at Cave 2 in 20 minutes. ObL - Khao Sam Roi Yod caves South Thailand
TWC: No worries Sammy. Just don one of those Condi Rice masks you guys use for target practice. The dudes manning the drone’s monitor will think they’ve stumbled on an outdoor location for the Thai Ugly Betty and beat it for Ko Lipe where they can spec-out all those Scando bikini-babes.
Q: Scando bikini babes!!! Does Lipe have caves? - ObL
TWC: Relax Sammy, TWC's babe-consultant Levi Johnston says Scando babes aren't your style.
TWC's babe-consultant Levi Johnston (left) with his girlfriend Bristol and her family at home in Wasilla (image - www.chinadaily.com.cn)The Worry Collective - 5
Q: My hubby Todd is planning us a consolation holiday to Thailand in mid November. Just in case. Can you settle an argument for us? He reckons a Tikka T3 would easily stop a West Andaman Gibbon but I say put your trust in a good old American Winchester 70. What‘s your take? Sarah P- Wasila Ak
TWC: Stone the crows, Sarah. TWC is usually apolitical, but I gotta say we are pro-life on this one.....
Q: I’m worried I won’t find my type of girl in Thailand. I don’t want you to laugh, but what floats my boat are cigar users. SlickWilly - White Water AR
TWC: Jeez, you are gonna love LOS, Bill. Thailand’s cigar totin’ babes make Stateside practitioners look like interns. When TWC’s entertainment and leisure consultant Patpong Soonay and the chorus line start firing off smoke-rings at Bangkok’s Ballistic Banana Club in their TRIBUTE TO CHURCHILL number, every fire alarm in Sukhumvit short-circuits.
The Worry Collective - 6
Q: Need urgent answer!!! Does an incoming Tomahawk cruise missile make a phut…phut…phut…noise? ObL - Khao Sam Roi Yod caves South Thailand
TWC: Not normally, Sammy. But with Dick Cheney finagling Defence maintenance contracts for his buddies at Halliburton, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
Hey Sammy, your Paradise Airways flight is on its way (image - www.mrafiee.5u.com)Q: Why do the Thais think they are so superior? I’m sick of hearing about disdainful looks and disparaging remarks in Thai directed at farangs. This from a nation of copiers and adaptors, who’s lack of self-discipline means they can’t get a handle on democracy, where international sporting competitiveness is zero and where the second wife syndrome and child domestic prostitution are national disgraces. They even think one of their nationals is a God. And they bully their neighbours! Can you name one world impacting innovation or one area of world leadership (apart from corruptocracy and cronyism) from Thailand? - V Putin
TWC: The green curry.
The Worry Collective - 7
Q: The travel supplements in my local newspapers have turned into Shitload of Press Release weeklies. So much for critical and unbiased reports. Why don’t the lazy bastards sell out even more - raid the local travel agents and reproduce their brochures? - P Theroux
TWC: Ours already do.
Q: You said some weeks back that the American dollar was down against the baht because of Stateside economic and financial crisises….criseas….crisee…..problems. Well hell, since then they have got worse! What’s your financial consultant FastCash Keynes say about the future ? Junior - DC
TWC: The green curry.
The Worry Collective - 7
Q: The travel supplements in my local newspapers have turned into Shitload of Press Release weeklies. So much for critical and unbiased reports. Why don’t the lazy bastards sell out even more - raid the local travel agents and reproduce their brochures? - P Theroux
TWC: Ours already do.
Q: You said some weeks back that the American dollar was down against the baht because of Stateside economic and financial crisises….criseas….crisee…..problems. Well hell, since then they have got worse! What’s your financial consultant FastCash Keynes say about the future ? Junior - DC
"...well hell, since then things have got worse!" - Junior. For once the The Economist is in agreement with Junior's judgement (image - netzkobold.com)
TWC: Can’t help much Chief - FastCash is a real hard man to pin down these days. Seems he’s tied up in talks with the Federal Reserve Board and the Secretary of the Treasury in an attempt to get them to bail out his loan-sharking operation.
The Worry Collective - 8
Q: I’m a petite, slight-figured female. Last year I was playing handball topless on the beach outside the Phuket Amari and these sleazebags attending a Michael Jackson convention kept sending out ice-cream sundaes. I know Thailand is a magnet for pederasts, but I’m totally pissed! Why can’t I find a beautiful island with lovely beaches, crystal clear water and a shortage of creeps chasing young boys? Kate H - LA
TWC: Maybe Lesbos in the Greek Islands is worth a try. Although the banana pancakes could be a bit ordinary.
Staying with the top should keep the pedarasts away. But maybe not other chickenhawks - note the cunningly disguised paedo sneaking up on Kate. Image www.jaunted.com
Q: Why do you always give smartarse answers to questions? Typical male! Always ready to dole out the solutions, can’t listen to save your life, want to make fun of other people‘s misfortunes. Don’t you realise a lot of worriers, female at least, don’t want solutions, they are not looking for answers, and they certainly don’t want to be “entertained”? All they want is a ready ear and some empathy! Germaine G
TWC: I hear your grief and can relate deeply to your concern.Although I reckon you’d feel a lot better if you got yourself a good man.
The Worry Collective - 9
Q: It‘s me again. I finally made it to Thailand but now my lovely doggie Lucky is missing!!! I let her go play with the kids from the neighbourhood Korean restaurant and they said she ran away! I’m so distraught! What should I do? Britney - Chiang Mai
TWC: Stick to the vegetarian menu at the Korean restaurant for a while.
Q: There you go again!! More smartarse, insensitive crap! That poor girl’s feeling bad enough - all your unfunny “advice” could achieve is to make her feel worse! Germaine G
TWC: You are absolutely right.
Britzer, if you are still reading - give the restaurant a complete miss. They might have one of those customer-view rotisseries.
TWC: Can’t help much Chief - FastCash is a real hard man to pin down these days. Seems he’s tied up in talks with the Federal Reserve Board and the Secretary of the Treasury in an attempt to get them to bail out his loan-sharking operation.
The Worry Collective - 8
Q: I’m a petite, slight-figured female. Last year I was playing handball topless on the beach outside the Phuket Amari and these sleazebags attending a Michael Jackson convention kept sending out ice-cream sundaes. I know Thailand is a magnet for pederasts, but I’m totally pissed! Why can’t I find a beautiful island with lovely beaches, crystal clear water and a shortage of creeps chasing young boys? Kate H - LA
TWC: Maybe Lesbos in the Greek Islands is worth a try. Although the banana pancakes could be a bit ordinary.
Staying with the top should keep the pedarasts away. But maybe not other chickenhawks - note the cunningly disguised paedo sneaking up on Kate. Image www.jaunted.comQ: Why do you always give smartarse answers to questions? Typical male! Always ready to dole out the solutions, can’t listen to save your life, want to make fun of other people‘s misfortunes. Don’t you realise a lot of worriers, female at least, don’t want solutions, they are not looking for answers, and they certainly don’t want to be “entertained”? All they want is a ready ear and some empathy! Germaine G
TWC: I hear your grief and can relate deeply to your concern.Although I reckon you’d feel a lot better if you got yourself a good man.
The Worry Collective - 9
Q: It‘s me again. I finally made it to Thailand but now my lovely doggie Lucky is missing!!! I let her go play with the kids from the neighbourhood Korean restaurant and they said she ran away! I’m so distraught! What should I do? Britney - Chiang Mai
TWC: Stick to the vegetarian menu at the Korean restaurant for a while.
Q: There you go again!! More smartarse, insensitive crap! That poor girl’s feeling bad enough - all your unfunny “advice” could achieve is to make her feel worse! Germaine G
TWC: You are absolutely right.
Britzer, if you are still reading - give the restaurant a complete miss. They might have one of those customer-view rotisseries.
Pick the dog (image - http://www.dogsthefuntimesguide.com/)
The Worry Collective - 10
Not funny, Kathy
Q: They say you never get to know someone properly until you travel or live with them. I found this with my ex - she was constantly moaning about how bored she was and why couldn’t I be more funny. What is it with women wanting their guys to be Billy Connolly clones? I mean the average female couldn’t be funny to save her life. Can you name me one woman who can tell a joke? Guy R- London
.
TWC: Nope. But the gals admit it. As Kathy Lette points out, women’s inability to tell jokes is proved by the fact that they marry them.
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Dicky’s Big Chance
Q: I notice most tourists traipsing around LOS are middle class types - you don’t see too many strugglers taking in the sites. So I got a great idea - let’s organise a bunch of holiday loans for ninja types (no-income, no-jobs/assets). We skim a nice little earner and then pass the parcel by bundling the loans together into bonds with some fancy new name like pre-optimal notes and sell them off to mutual funds, investment banks, pension funds, commercial banks and the rest. Dicky Fuld - Skid Row
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TWC: Wouldn’t work Ricardo. Who would be stupid enough to fall for that?I mean the dudes working for those institutions are self-declared masters of the universe/big swinging dicks/best brains in the room.
The Worry Collective - 11
Don’t Look Now
Q: I’m going to Bangkok on Monday, but I got a real worry. My dear friends tell me the Thai paparazzi parasites are even worse than home. So what’s the best way to get out of a car in a mini-skirt? - PARIS
TWC: Quickly.
Whoa - CLOSE SHAVE! In the cause of good taste, TWC has TRIMMED the above image to avoid scaring passing kiddies. Please excuse the bad puns - we are suffering a case of what Sasha Baron Cohen would call the PUNAMIES. (image ripped off from some WordPress.com blog which didn't say who they ripped it off from. And the kiddies don't get a link).
Beam Me Up Scotty
Q: I was having a snack at the Macrobiotic Juices and Wellbeing Snack Bar on Haad Thian when I noticed Angelina Jolie in full Tomb Raider outfit jump down from a Klingon battle cruiser hovering above the southern headland. I hadn’t had a drink all day! I’m worried I’m going nuts. What do you think? - Amy W - Phangan
TWC: I think Cookie has been supercharging the vegetarian omelette again.
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The Worry Collective 12
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Sarah Shoots Siam
Q: It’s me again! Looks like I’m taking that consolation holiday I mentioned in #5. What are my chances of bagging a moose at Khao Sok? Bushwhacked - Wasila
Q: It’s me again! Looks like I’m taking that consolation holiday I mentioned in #5. What are my chances of bagging a moose at Khao Sok? Bushwhacked - Wasila
.
TWC: About the same as bagging Foreign Secretary with Bakka.
Image - Wilcox: Sydney Morning HeraldThe Worry Collective 13
You can’t get there starting from here
Q: I’m told travel in the far north is difficult. Can I get from Mai Sariang to Chiang Khan? Billy Barents
TWC: Crikey William, I hate these hard ones. So I’m gonna pass. But with a name like yours, there’s got to be a joke in there about the north-west passage.
The Quick and the Dead
Q: I’m an 83 year old dude, and a big fan of group action. But I’ve had real bad luck lately with my girlfriends, not to mention my business fortunes are in the dumpster. Dang internet! So I’ve decided to head for Thailand where the girls don’t give a damn about age and cost a man way less. But I don’t know much about Asian ladies, so tell me what‘s required. And no smart answers about Viagra - I've got a philosophical aversion to chemical enhancement. Just tell me what I need. Hef
TWC: Daniel Craig and a set of booster-cables
Q: Ha ha ha. Very funny young fella. Listen up, I've got no problems in that department. I reckon I could go a whole posse of pole dancers in 20 minutes.
TWC: In that case, Nurse Betty and a defibrillator.
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So who's gonna give Hef CPR after Betty leaves?
Maybe the cutie top picture on the DONT DROWN page.
It don’t …umm… ‘arf ‘urt ……ah …..????….but
Maybe the cutie top picture on the DONT DROWN page.
It don’t …umm… ‘arf ‘urt ……ah …..????….but
Q: I’m arguing with my bloke Pete about our trip to LOS. He wants to spend half the trip watching replays of football matches and rejects any location that hasn’t got a bar showing these. That throws most of the laid back places I’ve included on our itinerary out the window. I think this obsession with football is downright unhealthy. Abigail C - Liverpool
.TWC: You are not wrong Abby. Recent scientific studies show watching football in boozy, smoke-filled bars zaps as many brain cells as heading the ball in the game itself. Which is downright scary if you have ever heard David Beckham try to string more than two words together.
Miss-timing too many headers can mess up more than a bunch of synapses (image www.thesurat.com)The Worry Collective 14
With Unwanted Decisions, as in all things, Serenity Rules
Q: What’s with these pecker-head immigration dudes at Swampy? I’m standing there while he does my passport and the cat tells me to get back behind the line.
Say What? I aint been over the line the whole time - all this Nazi wants to do is show his authority, prove what a big man he is. So I tell him he foot-faults me one more time I’m gonna shove his fuggin’ balls so far down his fricken’ throat he’ll need a friggin' proctologist for his ferken vasectomy.
Sissy signals for his suprevisor, and this pea brain tells me to forget about Thailand, I just blew the whole vay-cation. And he hopes I learn a lesson from all this.
A LESSON? What the hell am I supposed to learn from this bag of crap?
SERENA
TWC: - That a 1000 baht note neutralises all offence from feet-cheating trashy-mouths.
Fan sites are crying sexism - officious creeps only try their crap on with itty-bitty girls.Q: I just read that Patpong Soonay got BEST PINGPONG SERVER at the Pattaya Eros Awards night. Hell, I reckon my friend Beyonce could trounce any little Thai girl with one hand behind her back.
KAYNE W
TWC: - better make that 2 hands-behind-back-and-fimly-on-floor for launch pad stability.
These guys are much cuter than any beaver/ping pong shots I could find - image telegraph.co.ukThe Worry Collective #15
It Aint Half Hot Mum
I’m worried about climate change. I just visited Ko Bulon Lae and all that was left of my favourite seaside bungalow was wet sand and a bunch of concrete piers. The owner told me they also lost half their restaurant to a king-tide/storm combo in October, since rebuilt.Keep this up and Ko Chiang Mai will be the new Samui mid century.
What are Thailand’s mouthpieces doing at the Copenhagen Climo-porn Fest?
NOAH - Kiribati
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TWC: - LOS delegates took really radical action for Asian talk-fest participants. They signed the introductory statement that SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!!
TWC’s environmental consultant, Mikey (red-line) Schumacher, says Thailand’s most effective pledge would be to tighten long term visa rules in order to limit the huge volume of hot air pumped out by the Sukhumvit short-sox and sandals set moaning about the high price of housing/beer/little blue tablets/short-time^^^, conditions back home, conditions here, what bitches Caucasian women/princesses Thai women are, how unlucky we booze hounds are - couldn’t make a go of it back home and now it’s happening here, why the younger generation of Farang travellers have no idea - yada yada blowhard blowhard.
Experts calculate that the reduction in super-heated emissions would slow thermal expansion of the Gulf of Thailand by 97%.
But Michael says don’t hold your breath - Thais are not known for radical initiatives. Instead he believes LOS delegates will opt for signing the closing statement - YES INDEEED, SOMETHING MUST BE DONE - AND WE’LL ALL MEET AGAIN IN 4 YEARS AND HAVE ANOTHER TALKFEST ABOUT IT.
^^^ None of these barflies can make long time.
PIX TO COME
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