Saturday, April 21, 2007

Just For Larfs

LATEST NEWS FROM THE LAND OF SMILES

Bangkok gem traders ripped off in tourist dud-cheque scam. * Tuk tuk seen driving on road. * US college girl traveller heard to exclaim, “ OH MY GOD!” * Drug cop reprimanded for talk first, shoot later policy. * Bangkok landlord accidentally burns down whole rent controlled city block. * 5% of budget travellers have no idea. * Pickup-truck collides with tree. 47 members of the same family injured. * Tired and emotional gap year girl seen at Full Moon Party. * World rallychamp Marcus Groenholm overtaken by tourist minibus on timed section of Chiang Rai Rally. * Anopholes mosquitoes decimated by alcoholic poisoning - researchers blame plague of Irish boozers. * 8% of expats have no idea. * Songthaew driver seen to give change. * Khao Sok Park rangers ban Irish passport holders after intoxicated leeches wreck Jungle Lodge bar. * Patong jetski rider injured by recklessly thrown beachball. * Californian skateboarder sets world record 342 kph down mountain pass on northern Samui - still doing 230+ at end of Bo Phut pier. * Government urges Thai businessmen to emulate western counterparts. * Experts at a loss to explain spike in purchases of German prestige cars, golf course condos and offshore tax minimisation schemes. * Tired and emotional gap year girl whines, “No one understands me.” * Company making radically quiet longtail motors files for bankruptcy. * Coastguard winds down search for missing skateboarder off southern Ko Phangan. * Buttock flashing Aussie surfer tells police after arrest at Full Moon Party, “I don’t get it.” * 25% of package tourists have no idea. * Experts attribute 2% fall in road toll to 20% rise in size of traffic offence bribes. * Police announce new 25% target for reduction in road toll. * Gallic tourists manage to transfer baggage from pier to Ko Whai ferry in under 3 hours. * 30% of sex tourists have no idea. * Cobra on life support after biting Irish tourist. * Tuk tuk makes direct railway station to KSR trip. * Buttock flashing Kylie Minogue clone at FMP bribed by Thai police for repeat performance. * Freeway and tunnel into Railey announced. * Park rangers find skateboarder shaped void punched through treetops on highest Ko Phangan Peak. Search shifts to Ko Tao. * 50% of this forum’s feminazis have no idea. * Overloaded songthaew sets world wheelstanding record. * Shameless farang bare-flesh display on Samui shocks Thai domestic holiday makers. * Hua Hin chamber of commerce can’t explain loss of local tourists to southern Gulf islands. * Smart rabid dog doesn’t bite Irishman. * Government law and order consultant unmasked as Nuremberg Trials escapee and former Pinochet security chief. * Self proclaimed internet Thai culture expert spends all holiday in Nana Plaza bar. * Bizarre identity mix-up sees paparazzi and royal watchers stake out Fergy’s Cha Am Gazebo and Grill. * New 130kph defacto speed limit for tourist minibuses will only be enforced in urban areas. * Government spokesperson justifies replacement of ministerial BMWs with more expensive Mercedes as an economy initiative: lower depreciation. * Air France flight hits minor turbulence near Phuket. Passengers don’t panic. * 70% of this forum’s environazis have no idea. * Local budget airline hits minor turbulence after Phuket landing. Control tower directs pilot off freeway into airport. * NurburgRing style race circuit planned for Ko Samet. * Brighton bootscooters slam music choice at island all night dance party. * Research shows 10% of expats are sometimes sober. * Vivacious and beautiful female traveller calls shy, unattractive sex tourist loser a loser. * No chance of ‘98 financial crisis repeat, claims government. * Thai central banker perplexed: “Profligate lending? Capital adequacy ratio? The credit multiplier? Please explain?” * British males agree best part of Thai travel is ease of access to Premier League replays. * 5000 berth marina and cruise liner terminal announced for Ko Poda. * Research indicates football fans sulk for an average 3 days when replays show their side losing. * Disproportionately high numbers of very pretty Thai females on Hat Yai to Singapore buses attributed to insatiable demand for secretarial services. * Stall holders treated for shock after Israeli bargain hunters visit ChIang Mai night market. * 80% of this forum’s culture experts have no idea. * 25 backpackers crushed in rush for discount dreadlocks. * New Zealand, Australian and Thai authorities sign new 6 month visa-free agreement. * Isan farmers begin moving nervous sheep to Laos. * Pedantic Swiss tourist saves second half of duty free booze for second half of trip. * Bob Marley fans riot after “Hotel California” announced top tune by KSR bar owners. * Grinning and exhausted young Brit says, “She was really a guy? Blimey!” * Defence spokesperson “mystified” when questioned about army purchase of logging trucks. * Katoey association announces end to backdoor discounts. * Holidaying Wall St commodity trader moans about spike in KPG accommodation prices around Full Moon Party time. * 35 year old traveller clams: “Ko Chang is way better now.” * International airport planned for Ko Nangyuan. * Tired and emotional gap year girl whines, “Send more money.” * Strange kilometre long skidmarks through front door of Cha Am bar and grill lead police to missing skateboarder undergoing post-flight debriefing with go go dancers in mud-wrestling pit. * 100% of this forum’s weather nerd/island blogger has no idea.


FURTHER NEWS FROM THE LAND OF SMILES

* new bird flu panic after authorities find dead hens at chicken processing plant * Britney Spears rescued from Banglamphu dumpster during anti-trash campaign * Thai leaders announce radical new experiment: democracy * surveys show less chance of being taken by a shark than killed by ballistic ping pong balls * self appointed Thorntree fashion/morals/culture police self destruct in sarong right tie/left tie debate * oil found near Ko Chang: Bush administration declares Trat Province haven for Weapons of Mass Destruction * Anna Kournikova wins Ban Sala Dan Open * some tsunami aid funds reach victims: authorities investigating * blue and red longtails collide, passengers marooned * Thai mothers lock up teenage sons during Demi Moore visit * 90% of gap year travellers give other 10% a bad name * Thai mothers lock up pre-teenage sons during Thriller visit * survey shows nearly 50% of Israeli visitors spend less than the average tourist * Isan animal-lover tourism decimated after shepherds start packing AK47s with night scopes * the Non-Corrupt Police Association holds annual meeting in Sukhumvit phone booth * Thai restaurateurs lock up broom cupboards during Boris Becker visit * no-one hurt in drive-by shoot-up of Sukhumvit phone booth * internal police investigation reveals wrong phone booth * Thai billionaire with explicit photographs of 13 year-old on hard drive has prosecution dropped by claiming he was waiting until she turned 16 to view them * Thai kiddie-porn prosecutor credits recent Phuket golf club condo purchase to poker game winnings * Bangkok to host World Masochist Championships * Thai celebrity hounds lock up taste during Osbourne family visit * famous Moulin Blue katoey revue signs David Beckham for high-kick expertise * Metal band Limp Bizkit riverside concert drowned out by passing longtail noise * Moulin Blue dance director claims David Beckham slots into chorus line with only minor cosmetic butching * Thai deportation of British sex tourists lifts moral standards in both countries * Thai storekeepers lock up everything during Wynona Ryder visit * sustainable energy greenies and endangered species environmentalists duke it out at Cape Promthep wind electicity bird-kill site * Ban Saphin wrecked by English football fans after local scratch town team thrashes Manchester United * travel-forum bad-mouther of favourite destination to deter other travellers finds her bungalow complex gone bust due to lack of customers * ManU appeals football loss after Ban Saphin ball-boy found to come from Ban Krut * Lindsay Lohan falls off stage during welcoming speech at the Ratchaburi Rehab Convention * Ban Saphan wrecked by English football fans celebrating successful appeal * Phuket authorities ban Aussie surfers after dangerous spike in sea pollution index * Pattaya paparazzi killed in crush to photograph Paris Hilton limo exit * Thai politicians unlock cigar boxes during Monica Lewingski visit.
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BURN

Thank you big time for choosing our nice island bungalow. Following is some user instruction.

Don’t worry about tucking mosquito net into mattress so tight that corners rip. Or using bathroom bidet hand-gun for awsum water fight with friends - and leaning so hard on hand basin when washing undies that it fall off wall. When you lose key on stagger-home from Moonlight Bar, don’t give a think about damage caused by shoulder-charging door to get in. No problems baby, me fix real easy.

What is very big time important is DO NOT READ INSTRUCTION ON INSIDE WALL. Holey smoke, even if you do read, you think they for Thai visitors only because # 6 say - must not be cooking in bungalow room . So you stop read before # 7 - pleasing me, not light candal in room or on venarda.
After you not read these, make sure you get even more tanked in room after Moonlight Bar visit. Or maybe have blazing row with partner. Or super-wild recreation work-out with partner/new friend from bar/Inflatable Ingrid/whatever. All these things make dead-set certain you knock candal over.

See how we spend big baht on authentic bamboo-weave walls and thatch roof. This not only so you feel way cool staying in traditional fisherman hut just like crazy movie The Beach, but also to make super easy for you to burn the sucker down.
Thatch roof on-fire make big-time spark-shower which spread blaze real nice so all other 24 bungalow in complex totally torched. Hey, you really have something to tell Fiona and Nigel back home at the office.
.
Final instruction is do heavy-duty run training before visit. Come in very handy escaping my machete. Not to mention kicks, sticks, bottles and stones from 40 homeless, gearless Farang tourists.

Curse of the curdled curry if you not read this, and please don’t come back.

note from tezza: Before all you smart marthas post in and ask me if I managed to save Ingrid from the blaze, let me vigorously deny ownership. I got the budget, vinyl, trailer-trash version - BlowUp Britney.
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HOW PHI PHI LEY GOT ITS NAME

A fuller enjoyment of travelling can be experienced if you know the derivation of Thai place names.
For instance a Canadian sailor called Daniel Puquette once wrecked his clipper on the northern end of Ko Lanta. Trust those crazy Thais to call the subsequent village Ban Sala Dan. Puquette later moved to another big Andaman coast island, but researchers can’t figure which one*.

During the Vietnam War an American GI called Raymond Lay (rumoured to be the uncle of Enron scam bad boy Kenneth Lay) did a runner from a K-ration purchasing scam investigation and holed up in a beautiful bay just north of Krabi town. Gotta be Ton Sai cause it rhythms with Lay, right?
But once Ray Lay’s place started to get popular with the beads and bongo set, he got real pissed and settled on the smaller of spectacular twin islands to the south-west where he had a fine recreational cash cropping enterprise going. Which was great until that idiot with the map turned up from KSR.

Candlelight Beach on Ko Samet is so named because there is definitely a good section of sand there.

But some things are a mystery - as far as I know, nobody ever shot roosters on the eastern bank of the lower Chao Phraya. And nobody called Don pioneered the bigger Phi Phi.

*Jeez, how hopeless are those academic researchers? I mean, come on, Puquette went to a “big” Andaman coast island. Big?? Where else but Tarutao?
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ALMAGEDDON

Inspired by the megabucks raked in by THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, Thai movie makers have several disaster blockbusters in planning. If you love having the hell scared out of you or are one of those smug types who enjoy watching nature’s abusers get theirs, you are gonna have a great time.

SOME TIME AFTER NEXT WEEK
....with a title reflecting relaxed Thai attitudes to time, the plot has government immigration and tourist officials ignoring warnings from climatologists about the danger of all that hot air generated by the 30s+ falang shorts, socks and sandals brigade which hangs around Sukhumvit bars and clubs. This results in catastrophic flooding from thermal expansion of the Thai Gulf stream plus the melting of millions of ice cubes in Patpong, Patong and Pattaya bars. Not to mention devastating rain and hail storms and through some unexplained quirk of science, a mutation of Samet mosquitoes to the size of 747s from their normal executive jet proportions.
Worse still, a northward migration of Sumatran man eating crocodiles sees several tourists being chomped off the new surf beaches of Ko Chiang Mai. Which in turn leads to the invasion of Aussie lunatic Steve Irwin, who, baby croc-hunter on hip and hauling on the tail of a 6m mugger with both hands, says: “Crikey, get a load of this one! Ain’t he a beauty!” I won’t spoil what happens next except to say this is one righteous disaster movie.

ALMAGEDDON
....the Thais never have been real good on the “r”s.
Thai astronomers pick up a giant meteor heading straight for earth, ground zero KSR. Some commentators see this as no bad thing until it is pointed out that the impact will be so massive it will end life on earth as we know it. Jeez trendsetters, just when Tammy Wynett is planning a comeback. What are we gonna do?
In the nick of time, someone remembers Patpong Soonay - aka “Leathal Weapon”, an exotic entertainer from Nana Plaza who can fire off a string of ping pong balls quicker and with more force than one of those Gattling machine cannons on an A10 Tankbuster. They get her lined up just perfect and she belts out a single beautiful deflection shot which would have billiards legend Minnesota Fats swooning with envy. This swerves the meteor onto a near-miss trajectory and it merely takes out the top 2 floors of the TrumpTower in NYC, including the executive suite. An intergalactic You're Fired! - with interest.
“Whew, that was a close shave!” says PM Toxin, grinning appreciatively at Soonay who is still in the recumbent firing position. In a shameless bit of product placement which would do Hollywood proud, she says: “I owe it all to my Lady Remington”.

THE CHESAPEAKE SYNDROME
....a cute Thai babe working at the Three Mile Ko thermal power plant battles corporate cover-ups and regulatory indifference when an insidious outbreak of electro-magnetic radiation starts to infiltrate co-workers. This causes their hair to stand on end worse than David Beckham’s on one of his more idiotic look at me days, every electrical appliance to fuse when they return to the ban, and when they plug into their partners, the latters’ eyes flash TILT and they pass clean out.
Worse still, one affected worker makes a Homer Simpson type mistake and presses the wrong plant button, resulting in the protective lining melting down, which allows a giant magnetic pulse to escape outside. This instantly burns out all electrical switches, engines, computers and connections in south-central Thailand. Aircraft start falling from the sky, vehicles stop dead starting huge traffic jams (except in Bangkok which already had huge traffic jams) and falang tourists riot when they can’t watch replays of the big football game from home.
Following what is known in electrical science as the Clint Eastwood Law (Every Which Way and Lose) the magnetic pulse also heads downwards through the core of the earth and reappears on the opposite surface at Chesapeake Bay in good old USA, where it fritzes the complete electrical grid in a 300 mile radius, includingWashington DC. George Bush riots when he can’t watch Days of Our Lives. Knowing he needs a lift in opinion polls, he accuses Thailand of using a Weapon of Mass Destruction and sends in the boys. 6 months later, with Thailand in ruins even old TopGun(AWOL) has to admit it was an accident not WMD, but claims justification because “the Thai people have been liberated from that harsh and brutal tyrant Toxin”. Washington and Bangkok watchers concede that the last 5 words are the closest Dubbya has been to the truth all year.

ON THE BEACH
....This is a remake of the 50s doomsday classic where most of the world has perished in a nuclear winter, and the radiation cloud is heading for the last place people are left alive. Which gives our heroes only so much time! In this case, the last place is Hat Rin, not Melbourne, but we still have a visiting US warship who’s captain falls in love with a beautiful local girl. The captain is played by Leo de Crapolino, doing yet another stinker about Thai beaches.
At least Leo has perspective, if not originality. After spending 2 days pre-production in Hat Rin, enduring drunk English lager louts, tired and emotional gap year girls, surly Israelis, doped out neo-hippies, rip-off locals and womp womp womp dance music all hours, he says: “ I can’t think of anywhere better to do a movie about the last place on earth.”
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MAINTAIN THE RAGE!

SCENE: A cheap office in a big city near you. A motley group of people are seated at computer monitors - all logged into Thorn Tree - except for Brian aka Sheik Sanctimony, the teams ethical correspondent, who is checking the Barely Legal website.Raymond, the team leader stides to the front of the room and claps his hands.

RAYMOND: Okay gang, listen up. Here’s your work briefs. I’ve got a list of ThornTree posts reporting scams at airports, hotels etc. Victoria, I want you to use your AS-IF handle to doubt the messenger. And Paul, you do your usual PerfectTraveller routine and tell them anyone who knows anything about travel wouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for that stupid trick….Paul?….Um, anyone seen Paul?

CHRISTINE (handle Dobber): Looks like he got lost coming in again. I saw him wandering around Central scratching his head.

RAYMOND: At least he‘s got perfect knowledge of Bangkok bars and strip joints. Moving on gang, Dicky’s trying to set a third consecutive record for his Serial Contrarian routine. He managed to oppose the ideas of 153 posters yesterday and get into 189 protracted arguments with 132 of them. I particularly liked the way he told the anti-sextourist US college girl she was a narrow minded bitch and next post informed the bloke wanting to know where to find a long-time girl in Patong he was a perverted loser.

DICKY: I didn’t say perverted loser, I said sick bastard!!

RAYMOND: There you go Team, Dicky’s getting into character already.

DICKY: I’m always in character!!!

TEAM: Yay Dicky! Go, Go!!!

DICKY: Shut the fuck up losers!!!

RAYMOND: Moving on again - EcoWarrior, I want more environmental bullshit to keep tourists away from our favourite spots. They’re suckers for the over-tourism spoiling pristine locations line.Tyffani, you have to improve your strike-rate if you want of hold onto the Pedant-Meister handle. I counted 82 spelling, grammar and syntax messages you missed yesterday. You gotta shape up or ship off.

TYFFANI: Sorry Raymond. I aint been feeling no good lately. And that’s “Shape Up or Ship Away".

RAYMOND: Whatever. Fiona baby, I have a list of blabbermouths telling everyone about lovely places we want to keep secret. So do your usual thing and bullshit the readers how awful and overcrowded they are. And abuse hell out of the blabbermouths. Don’t be afraid to email your off-line friends for support if anyone gives you problems.

FIONA: They’ve all been banned from ThornTree Raymond, but I know the gang here will back me with some heavy duty tag-team abuse. We were really giving it to that Antipodean big-mouth who was telling everyone about secret snorkelling spots yesterday.

RAYMOND: Yes gang, great teamwork there! Which reminds me, I got a list of posts the moderator has appeared on in the last day - hit those threads and get real chatty with him. The old mod was a sucker for the pally routine, and was very reluctant to ban serial-suck ups. Don’t know if it will work with the new guy, but it’s worth a try.And Dobber, your job is to dob in any possible breach of the rules and conditions done by anyone NOT a member of our team. Keep the mod so busy he wont have time to deal with any complaints against us.

STEVE: What about me, Jim and Sally. Want us to keep rubbishing users of words like “chill”, posters of boring questions on health, the weather, visas and so on, and keep flaming gap-yearers, hippies, fire-stick twirlers and the rest?

RAYMOND: You got it Stephano, and lots of the good old Behaviour/Cutltural/Political Correctness Police stuff. Give them heaps.

DOBBER: Sheik Sanctimony’s got a beaver shot on his monitor! He’s looking at those Russian teenage girl sites again!!!

SHEIK S: Purely research. I gotta know what the bastards I’m flaming are looking at.

FIONA: What bullshit! You are such a total sleaze Brian. Everyone knows those Russian girls are 14 year old orphans being totally exploited by unscrupulous sex-mafia bastards and your viewing is tacit support of their sleazy perfidy!

SERIAL CONTRARIAN: You are so totally full of crap Fiona. All the girls on those site are over 18. The disclosure statement says exactly that. Didn’t they teach you to read back in Bumfuck Nebraska?

SALLY: What a naïve and offensive creep you are Dicky! Such a complete asshole!!

PEDANT-MEISTER: That’s arseholl, ignoramis.

JIM: Stay out of it Tyffani. If brains were electricity, your grid would be in permanent shut-down.

TYFFANI: I resemble that!

An ash-tray flies across the room, misses Jim and clocks Dicky a beauty upside the head.

DOBBBER: Tyffani threw that! I saw it with my own eyes!!!

This is followed by a cross-fire of monitors, chairs, printers, EcoWarrior’s nuclear-powered vibrator and Sheik Sanctimony’s full-size bust of Paris Hilton’s bust. This strikes the gas heater and overturns it.Scene dissolves as smoke and flames rapidly spread. Fade out to the theme from "Friends".

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A 2008 Yuletide Message from the Sheelberight Family.


Dear friends, it’s been another eventful year for our gang, hope yours has been as lively.

Travel seemed to be the main theme this year, starting early when our Kylie was caught with a truckload of hydroponic ganga in her body-board bag at Phuket Airport enroute to the usual family January at Patong.. As if it was hers! It was clearly stashed in there by someone else. Her cousin Simon didn’t exactly put his hand up, but he did get some angry calls from some very pissed local gentlemen in Patong. Fortunately the Thai police and customs people were very understanding of Kylie’s predicament, and for such a reasonable sum. We aren’t too sure about Simon however, on account he still hasn’t returned from that surfing trip to south Kata. Probably met a local wahini. Or something.

Kylie’s twin brother Lee seemed to have an epiphany on that trip after a visit to Soi Bangla because on return home he sold his collection of priceless Abba cover albums (I’m heartbroken!) and made a second Phuket visit in March. When he got home, he’d become Leigh, and very fetching too. Except that Kylie is totally pissed about his wardrobe raids. Plus all these expat Brits who live around town keep visiting. What is it with Brit men and chicks with dicks? I blame all those dodgy public school teachers they got in Old Blighty going the grope on the little boys.

Hubby Bruce is enamoured with Ko Maak - he and I got a great little bungalow in the middle of a coconut plantation in August. Only problem was the local monkeys’ nightly line-dance competition on the tin roof. Bruce bought this huge fire cracker at the local fishing-supply store and when the critters started up next night, lit the big bastard up and threw it on the roof.
Nobody told us it was fishing dynamite. Blew us 30 meters backwards onto the beach, most of the bungalow clear to Trat, and the monkeys are somewhere out around the planet Moog. All the local dogs took off for Cambodia and haven’t been seen since (that’s a plus). And 400000 coconuts dropped from the trees prematurely.
Crikey, it was sooo funny, but the locals didn’t seem to appreciate the humour. No worries, the usual crossing of the palm with the district police chief and we were out of Trat jail and on the bus for Bangkok by morning.

Wished the same trick worked in Australia. Old grandad Merv is a bit past trips to Thailand these days on account he is wheelchair confined, but we keep him in the holiday frame of mind by dropping him off at the foot of the stairs to the local backpackers’ place where all these lovely young Euro girls are constantly coming in or out. Mind you, if they keep wearing those micro-minis and g-strings the old bugger could fritz the wiring in his pacemaker. Merv reckons those “babes” beat www.hotsurferchicks anytime.
A couple of local skater hoods started to hassle him just this week, grabbing his hat as they passed. So next day he brought a can of that non-stick Teflon and sprayed the footpath. Next pass they spun out big-time and went smack into the side of a passing Bondi bus. Who said old-timers can’t contribute usefully to society?
Talk about laugh! Except the local cops didn’t laugh, booked poor old Merv for public nuisance, and no-way do those creeps accept persuaders Thai-style. Makes a person want to migrate.

Which is what Bruce and I are doing come the new year. Bruce has been researching business offers in Thailand. Some local dude is selling him an entire island in the Similans for 5000000 baht - great for a bungalow site and some cash cropping - plus a no-compete guarantee from the local dope-mafia. What can go wrong with a deal like that?

Anyway, have a good Chrissie and a great Newie…..Sheila.


A 2009 Yuletide Message from the Sheelberight Family


Dear friends, 09’s been another eventful year for our mob, hope yours has been as lively.
You might remember I signed off last years’ message with the news hubby Bruce and I were buying an island in Thailan'ds gorgeous Similan islands. You ca’nt imagine how shocked we were to learn they were all National Park and we had done our 40% deposit of 2 million baht.
Bruce got so upset he jumped on Jetstar for Phuket, went right around to the broker and smacked him square between the eyes.
I became an expert on the Phuket region and Thai criminal law over the next month as I organised his release from the cooler.
I found a great local lawyer, Mr Lek, who made all the charges disappear for only 20000 baht. And how good is this - he says he can get National Park to rezone our land for only 300,000!

I also mentioned in last ye'ars message that son Lee had become Leigh after the big cosmetic surgery trip to the LOS. And how all these Brit expat blokes in our home town started to hang around our joint.
Well I’m proud to announce that in March Leigh and this ex-merchant seaman from Liverpool got hooked - Buster is such a big burly bloke too!! 5 of Leigh’s ex-rugby mates dressed in sarongs and bikini tops acted as bridesmaids.
I must admit I shed a tear.
Daughter Kylie is no longer pissed at Le’ighs wardrobe raids - in fact Buster has such exquisite taste in selecting L'eighs outfits that Leigh's now pissed at Kylies raid’s.

Kylie had a big Thailand year. When we were trying to spring Bruce from the big house she met a young Thai guy and they became an item. Real intellectual this bloke - always steered the conversation towards the meaning of life, which to him meant having enough money, which he didn’t, and how ‘Kylies blossoming erotic-photographic model career could easily finance it.
Then on a later trip we are all in a Krabi beer lounge and this blokes in'laws walk in and berate him for neglecting his 16yo wife and 3 kids back in the baaaan while he has a great time with farang trash. And they start abusing Kylie.
So Bruce smacked the lot of them right between the eyes.
Mr Lek sorted that out for only 25000 and reckoned another 100000 for the Phang Nga Land Commissioner would do the trick for our island.
Springing Bruce took 6 weeks this time - what I dont know about the Krabi district aint worth knowing.

Kylie got a photo-shoot offer in Bangkok in November so we were back there when those yellow shirt drongos blockaded the airport. Got an urgent message from Leigh - after an argument, Buster had burned down our hydoponic-ganga facility and run off with Edna Everage. We needed to get back to Australia real quick so jumped on a bus some Thais had organised for people wanting to get down to Phuket airport which was still open. Only $us150.
Half way there the bus pulled into some god-forsaken service area and the bloke running the operation says YOU ONLY PAY HALF. YOU PAY ANOTHER $150. NOW!
Bruce smacked him square between the eyes.
The drivers and 6 Thais lurking in the baggage compartment beat the crap out of him, as did the local cops when called. That took 40000 via Mr Lek to the cops plus $2300 to replace a stolen laptop and cameras from our bags. And a 6 weeks/10000baht hospital stay.
What I don’t know about the Chumpon district is a waste of space.
The good news was that Mr Lek reckoned a mere 60000 for the Lands Title Registrar in Bangkok would wind up our island purchase.

Now some sad news. I mentioned last year how wheelchair-confined grandad Merv sprays Teflon non-stick on the footpath outside the local backpackers hostel to wipe-out passing skater hoods who keep grabbing his hat when he’s spekking out the young backpacker girls. Well this backfired big-time last week when a passing Kristy Alley clone from Blackpool slipped and fell on him.
I thought he’d been crushed to death but the coroner said the old bugger’s heart gave away with all the excitement. We had an open coffin funeral - the undertaker couldn’t get the smile off Merv”s face. Although what could be enjoyable about lying under a 17 stone miniskirted all tits all thighs 20 year old I cant imagine. Old men are even weirder than younger ones.

Breaking News - just as I was about to slip this in the envelope, I got a message from Bruce who is back in Thailand to take delivery of the island title. Mr Lek told him that due to the change in government a whole lot of new officials are holding their hands out. 300000 should do it.
Bruce smacked him square between the eyes.
At least he did it at Mr Lek’s’ holiday villa in Chaweng. A couple of months on Samui aint too bad - I know bugger all about the place.

Anyway, have a good Chrissie and a great Newie
XXXXX Sheila.

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A 2010 Yuletide Message from the Sheelberight Family

My God, don’t the months roll by quickly friends! It seems only yesterday I was concluding my second yearly sum-up from the Land of Smiles with hubby Bruce facing an extended stay in the Samui big house on account of smacking our Thai lawyer over a land deal gone crooked - and here we are again!

That stay was uneventful until early February when Bruce, barbequing prime steaks for the jail governor the Aussie way with a welder’s oxy-torch, set fire to the kitchen and burned the whole joint down. Which allowed 754 prisoners to escape (probably all from the one cell).
The authorities seemed to think Bruce did it on purpose because when they caught him in a stolen boat just short of Malaysian border they beat the crap out of him. Ah well, it could have been worse - Songkhla has a good hospital with way lower bribes than Samui for proper service and after 10 weeks in the town I’m a walking encyclopaedia on the south-east peninsula.

Son Lee, who of course is now Leigh after the big gender realignment, was encouraged by Uncle Bill, Bruce’s visiting and very dodgy brother, to reinvolve himself with athletics which he excelled at when younger. At 5’11” (180cm) he easily shut down the relatively short-legged Thai girls in the 800m and made Bill a fortune in bets.
The Thai bookies soon got tired of that and imported some South African champion who is so clearly a bloke. I mean trust the South Africans to cheat in sport - does anyone remember Hansie Cronje? Anyway his dude blew Leigh away and Bill was left owing the bookies a bigger debt than the US Treasury‘s. So it’s not surprising Bill disappeared a few days later. I’m a bit worried the bookies got to him, but Bruce reckons Bill’s on the lam.
I’m not convinced - you might remember Bill’s son Simon who vanished in Phuket 3 years ago after a load of hydro-ganga he allegedly stashed for the Patong drug mafia was found by customs in our daughter Kylie’s body-board bag. Simon still hasn’t surfaced . Excuse my choice of words.

Kylie’s blossoming photographic modelling career goes from strength to strength. Although I’m a bit worried she’s working too hard. She tells me most of her stuff is online, but is always so tired she can’t remember the web address. Nevertheless she’s made some lovely new friends in Bangkok - whenever she visits us she has two or three really biiiigg black Americans in tow. Brothers are pretty scarce over here - maybe they are entertainment industry specific - rappers or something.

Bruce used to be a sparky’s assistant back in the day, and when Kylie’s beautiful industry friend Soonay landed a contract for the Ko Maak Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue he volunteered to wire up the lighting. Seems he got the calculations on the amperage wrong, because when he threw the switch the fuse box exploded and the brand new studio went up in flames. Who would have thought such nasty people were behind sports publishing in Thailand? By the time Bruce got out of hospital I was an expert on the geography of the eastern Gulf.

I’m sure you will all be pleased to know our resort development on the Similans was finally cleared of red tape and only requires a bribe of seven thousand baht per week to National Park bigwigs to keep legit. Once opened viability seemed marginal thanks to the World Financial Crisis - until Leigh came to work for us in the restaurant. From that time on we have been inundated with middle-aged English blokes. I’ve asked before - what is it with Brits and chicks with dicks? I blame all those cold showers in the public school system. One curate was so taken with Leigh he’s booked the resort out this February for his diocese’s vicars’ convention.

Good things never last unfortunately. We got a twisted sister from Blackpool book in mid December with his friend, inflatable Ingrid. They had a blazing row first night and knocked a candle over in a bitch slapping session. The bungalow and then the whole resort went up in flames. Bruce couldn’t believe anyone could be so careless! He was livid and took off after the culprits with his machete. The only sign of any of them since was a cut and deflated Ingrid washing up on a Ko Phayam beach last week. Ah well, it could be worse. I don’t know a thing about the upper Andaman.

Anyway, have a good Chrissie and a great Newie ……. luv, Sheila.


A 2011 Yuletide message from the Sheelberight Family

How quickly does a year pass? Here we are back in the festive season seemingly a few months since the last. Hope your 2011 was as lively as ours.

In my last message I mentioned hubby Bruce was absent somewhere up around Burma chasing some Brit burk who managed to burn our Similans bungalow resort to the ground when a bitch-slapping session with his Inflatable Ingrid saw a candle overturned.
The good news is that when Bruce returned he had a bagfull of cash from some sort of deal, nothing to do with the Brit.
I don’t know how it works but frequently we have a fishing boat moored in our little bay, except the holds seem full of used military ordnance. Coincidently we have a new breed of swarthy Russian male visitors who seem to have an intense interest in the piscine industry’s supply of grenade launchers and speak fluent cashese to some dodgy looking repeat guests from up north.

No worries, all this business managed to allow us to rebuild out resort, although National Parks wanted another million baht for zoning approval.
If that was not bad enough we had the Takua Pa National Park chief staying most weekends with his extended family in our best bungalows - gratis of course.
Bruce decided to put an end to this, not by smacking anyone between the eyes which as you know is his standard response to problems here and has landed him in just about every jail and hospital from Trat to Trang - but by donning a white sheet and pretending to be the ghost of some poor tsunami victim.
The Thais have a thing about ghosts - it’s a little know fact that virtually all the post-tsunami rebuilding was done by Burmese labour who don’t give a fig about the supernatural.
Anyway, Bruce was doing a moonlight moaning session on the bungalow patio when one of the NP party shot him in the arm with a spear gun! I mean how typically Thai - a spear gun in a marine national park! Next they’ll be allowing jet-skis. Apart from ours’ of course.
I can’t tell you how difficult it was unobtrusively offloading Bruce to Takua Pa hospital at the same time as 2 boatloads of Thais were hightailing it for the mainland.

You might remember how our gorgeous offspring Leigh after the big gender realigning had been attracting a steady stream of British vicar inservice groups to our resort before the fire. Well I’m happy to say this trade has picked right up again - seems those vicars really like their chicks with dicks. Gets better - apparently British schoolies have the same interests: this year we have had 10 visiting headmasters’ conventions.
Some of these blokes are firing both ways - when daughter Kylie visits from Bangkok she augments her photographic modelling income by offering nude figure sessions on the back beach. Just last week we had a brawl between the head teacher at Brighton Junior Grammar and two of the Ruskie arms Mafioso for key position at the base of the climbing vine.

Now for some pleasing news. You may remember my message from way back in 2008 mentioned how Kylie’s cousin Simon had gone missing on our Phuket visit after customs discovered a huge load of hydroponic ganga in Kylie’s body-board bag. When some nasty looking Thai dudes came around enquiring about his whereabouts the general consensus was that maybe Simon had put the stash there.
And that he was either on the lam or sitting on the bottom off Kata Noi in concrete surf shorts.
Well the good news is he was on the lam. To the Mentawai Islands off Sumatra actually, good surf country and apparently good cash-cropping country too.
Seems things got a bit hot down there and he when heard about our resort from a bunch of Surf For Jesus freaks he showed up in August, looking for a job. But Simon being Simon, apparently had continued his dodgy approach to commerce when down south because a few weeks later some shifty Indo criminal types landed on our island looking for him. While Simon took a quick trip to island #9 Bruce had a natter to the Russians about how a bunch of Indo hoods might attract the interest of customs, immigration and the police. And to the vicars about how Indos had a hatred for chicks with dicks. Problem fixed.

I’m so glad Bruce has been using his brains instead of his brawn these days. But recidivist tendencies die hard - Kylie rang from Phuket yesterday saying some jet ski operators had charged her holidaying friend Samantha 10000baht for a scratch already existing. Bruce took off immediately muttering all sorts of threats, much to my concern. Although he did have a bag of prawn heads and a tube of Liquid Nails. I do hope he seals the shrimp skulls in the flotation compartments while Kylie distracts the goons with her impossibly immodest g-string.
So far so good - I haven’t heard a word from any Phuket hospitals.

That’s all for now. Hope you are looking forward to 2012 as much as we are.

Luv, Sheila.
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If you are a glutton for low grade humour maybe you would be interested in:

STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE

THE WORRY COLLECTIVE

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If you have any questions, please ask them in THE FORUM rather than below. I don't get a chance to check all threads daily, but unless I'm travelling I'll try to monitor THE FORUM regularly.

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